Today is April 2nd. I confirmed with my company that my H1B visa petition has been sent to USCIS. I don’t know why, but want to make three posts for this series of “What if I don’t Get Work Visa?” before I know the answer. So what to write then.
I’ve been complaining about the negative side of going back home, which is so unlike me. 🙂 So let me think through what I am going to gain if I do have to go home. This time starts from the biggest gain.
1. My family. My father has been nagging about the misfortune of my being alone in the States, and I’ve been ignoring it and reminding myself the other fortunes I’ve been able to get by staying here, but the fact is my father is right. I’m alone and I’m very much lonely. Last year, my dearest grandpa passed away and I remember I heard this news from my mom, who was on the other side of the earth, through the hand-free phone in my newly bought car, stuck in the traffic jam on I-5 on my way back home during the rush hour after work. I had no choice except switching between the brake and gas padals. I didn’t drop a tear. I knew I couldn’t go back home. I knew I couldn’t see my grandpa for the last chance. Now, Grandpa only lives in the pictures and my dreams. My mom, thanks to the technology and my uncle’s generosity, she could use Internet at my uncle’s to video chat with me. However, every time I see her, I notice ages leave new traces on her face. My dad, without all of my mom’s privilege, is pretty much disconnected from me except I initiate a call. (Unfortunately, he can’t call me.) The very last call I had with my dad, both of us shed tears. He was sick (which has been his state constantly lately) and hungry, carrying huge debts, with three businesses not running (if running, the cost will exceed the sales), asking for food from someone (he had no money). There is a Chinese saying ‘Among all the good deeds, filial piety comes first’, and I’m literally the least finial by staying away from them. But I miss them so much… If I go back home, at least I’ll be with them, and no matter what I will make for a living, as long as I have something to eat, they will have something to eat.
2. My home country. I never realized I am so proud of being Chinese until I came to the United States. Aside all of the rooms where it can improve, such as human rights, pollution and corruptions, I love everything about my home country, I love my people, I love my country. Again, there are so many things to improve, which is exactly what I can contribute. I am the kind of person that if I believe in the person I’m following to, then I will be happy. China, no matter how others judge you, I believe in you, and I know I will be happy just because of that.
3. My friends back home. I have had the opportunity to meet and know a lot of people from different places, and some of them became close friends that I still keep in touch with even I’m oversea. We studied together, we lived together, and we had fun together. They are my support system. No matter what I do and what I ask, I know I can get supports from any of them anytime. It is so nice just to think about seeing them again.
4. Chinese food. Staying far away from home is just a torture to my stomach, although it forced me to learn to cook, and my stomach has been very satisfied with what I cook. But still, I can spend days just thinking about the taste of some untouchable food I used to have at home. Oh my god, I can feel my saliva now…
5. Sunshine. I know it’s not Seattle’s fault to rain all day long or my fault of picking a rainy city to live, but I just miss the sunshine. The memory of abundant sunlight shedding on me and my mom during a nap after lunch keeps showing in my head all the time. The other day, after a few days of raining, the sun came out. When I got back home, the sunlight was shedding on my living room, and I video chatted with my mom immediately, to share my joy of seeing the sun. My uncle was surprised sitting next to my mom, and asked “haven’t you seen sun since you went there?” I was just smiling and watching the sunset. 🙂
So I want to draw a conclusion now, which is I’ll be fine and I will accept and enjoy what I am given everyday. No matter what tomorrow is going to look like and where I’m going to be, I WILL BE FINE!!
Yan Ren 